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 In one more post I will have as many posts as I have years of age, at least until next month. Awesome!

so sleepy!

A lot has been going on, not that you could necessarily tell from Spaghetti there.

For one, we went to my former friend's place and got all of our stuff out of their garage and into storage, a not inexpensive adventure.  

There it is, everything saved by my incredible friends in their cars, from a 3 bedroom house.  My mattress, my bedframe, Aaron's bedframe, many boxes of toys, so many boxes of toys I began to consider if maybe Aaron doesn't have too many toys, both of Joey's dressers - more stuff than I'd hoped for had been saved.

We also have some stuff in Rundes' garage, and in the hotel room with us.  Joey's bed broke in the move, and he may have to sleep on a camping cot for a while, when we're settled.  Aaron as well, his mattress isn't there - but maybe I'll let them fight over my mattress, and then make them sleep on cots anyway because I am EEEEVILLLLL.

I finally heard from my oldest friend, and that did not go well.  I got an incredibly condescending text from him about how I ruined everyone's life, essentially, and how he could help me if I let him but otherwise he was going to have to let me go.

His contention has been, for years, that I have neglected my other kids in favor of my youngest.  He gets this from my middle kid - who is described sometimes as "explosively violent" - and who has been abusive to both me and the youngest.  Josh had to leave home at 21 because he was abusing a 13 year old (Joey).  So he blames Joey, at least to Eldon, my old friend.

He was also abusive to me, of course, but whatever. 

He has told many half truths and outright lies about the situation, resulting in Eldon's feelings about Joey/my parenting.  He says I sacrificed my kids on behalf of one kid.

In a way he's correct, just not in the way he thinks.  If any of you have cared for a RAD kid, then you know what I mean.   There were many, many nights I cried myself to sleep thinking I had ruined two of my kids' lives trying to save a third (my middle kid, Josh).  Certainly my choice of bringing Josh in and raising him as best as I could has deeply affected Joey's mental health, considering Josh's relentless emotional and verbal abuse of him.

Josh believes Joey is my favorite, which is incorrect.  Joey is the one I tend to vibe best with, as a fellow creative person, but he's not my favorite.  There have been moments where for a very short time I definitely did have a favorite, but that was like - Josh made me coffee, for this minute he's my favorite.  Aaron told me I am "kindest mama, best mama", for this minute he is my favorite.  Joey made me laugh until I had an asthma attack, for this minute, he is my favorite.

I love Josh very, very much, but I always have to be aware of what he is capable of.  On the one hand, he can be incredibly empathetic, generous, and accepting.  At the flip of a coin, he can be cruel, cold, manipulative, and violent.  He was raised inside an abusive marriage, was abused before I got him.  RAD kids have terrible outcomes as adults, overwhelmingly.  I've been told over and over he has done incredibly well, and he is still facing addiction and still classified as having ASPD.

He is currently downtown somewhere, after 9 months sober, using again.  I am always afraid I will hear his addiction has killed him, or that he froze to death in our harsh winters.

So I anyway, I tried to reason with Eldon for a bit, was ignored, sent him one last video message trying to explain - and then, half way through, was ANGRY.  He knows you can't take Josh at his word, and I trusted him to check in with me, and he never does.  So he mistreats Joey (and me) over all of this, having never asked - and I realized, I don't want to hear from him.  I don't want to talk to him again.  I'm done.  I should have been able to trust him, and I can't.

So I cried about it to my former partner, and he blocked me.

This is me laughing and crying.

Former partner was still having me look for a place or all of us a month? month and a half? ago - while, I found out, he had a new girlfriend.  

He blocked me, and he kicked the kids off his Disney Plus, which, fine, his right, but these kids considered him their dad, and he just completely abandoned them after 18 years, without a word to them.

I told Aaron today "Well, looks like that laptop is yours!" because how the frick am I going to get it back to Stan now?  And Aaron chirped happily, clapped his hands, and said "Stan loves me!  Stan is awesome guy!"

And now Stan can go fuck himself.  

Like, the girlfriend is fine.  We weren't together, we weren't not together, we were just family.  But all of the rest of it is garbage.  

So that's been my shitty ass week.

If you'd told me a year ago I would lose these four people (former friend, Eldon and his husband, Stan) in particular I'd never have believed you.

I'm probably a wreck but I am a numb wreck in that case.

We've looked at and applied to two more places - the one today said it is ours if we want it.  We're filling out paperwork/application stuff - BUT - it is not accessible to Aaron.  There's a very tall lip in through both the front and back door, too high to get Aaron in with his pop-a-wheelie maneuver, and the front way is not easily ramped.  I am going to see if we can do a ramp to the back door that maybe includes enough height to make up for the lip to the door.  I liked the landlord and the place. 

It will be difficult, if we get it, to get Aaron in, and once in, he'll be pretty stranded until the ramp comes.  I remember being told years ago that they didn't want to do ramps to the alley because they don't consider that safe, but I am going to ask today.

So hopeful news, suckass news.  I'm going to ask my friend Alan to take me out for some damned ice cream.

Meanwhile, Joey has been doing VR Chat with his very own Woolfred, his original character from his creative story about a town of living puppets, called Tulip Town.  Here is Woolfred doing a little shopping.  

He and his friends may build up their supply of Tulip Town avatars and actually act out the story, which would be amazing!

Aaron's playing tower defense games right now, and watching Joey watch youtube.  I'm drinking Lady Grey and blogging, and may open a book of short stories in a minute here.

If I want to write-write, though, I have to replace this keyboard.  The f is borked.  I have to slam it down and that won't work for writing-writing.

And Scrunty, as usual, is napping.